I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
