at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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