If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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