They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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