doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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