Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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