I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
