but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Randomize
