Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
