Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
worst night to have a conscience
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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