Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
