I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
