I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
