Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
