I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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