Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
