Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
