Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
