I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
