Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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