I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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