I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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