You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
