My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize