i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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