you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
