i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
