Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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