why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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