having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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