happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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