I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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