he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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