You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
