i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
