awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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