I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
