i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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