96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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