How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
