I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
