Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
