sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
