I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize