ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
