when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
