babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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