it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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