My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize