Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
