My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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