i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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