So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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