Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
