My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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