just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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