Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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