I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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