GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize