Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
