I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
