You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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