last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
