Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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