your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
