she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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