I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
