I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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